Moments worth Experiencing: Scotland and Beyond.

When I posted in late June, I stood on the brink of a vast adventure in Scotland, an experience meant to mark the end of a chapter embedded with a mysticism only one's imagination can concoct. Spending time with Magical Mary and Life Changing Liza completed the end of something huge, or so I thought. It represented the finish line and the runner in me saw the end glimmering with hope.  Scotland held transformative powers and going there, spending time with kindred brethren would undoubtedly cleanse me of any leftover toxicity.

I built it up in my mind, as we all do of events we look forward to.  I envisioned how it would feel to finally put my death dance with cancer behind me, to stand atop the highlands and inhale the fresh breath of life and know that all would be okay.  

Sorry, this isn’t Hollywood! One moment doesn’t carry such power, especially when that moment has been shaped by our expectations. Disney characters exist in the realm of all things Disney, and happy endings, well we know how those go. Preconceived notions are just that, preconceived notions. 

Mystical Mary was not an ethereal fairy but a real person, magical only in that she cares beyond all scope of the imagination. She opens her heart to strangers, welcomes them into her life and shares of her being completely. She has learned lessons from her journey and is now helping others make sense of theirs. 

And, Life Changing Liza, well she too fell short of expectation. She didn’t appear out of thin air like a genie. She granted no wishes. Her eyes didn’t twitch and her nose didn’t wiggle. She simply used a plane to fly from Michigan to Scotland to spend time sharing the current moment with me.

The secret similarity between the two did not reside in other worldly powers, but in the fact that they are as human as you and I. They have overcome their share of difficulties, become stronger because of them, and have made it their calling to help others heal as well. 

The trip however, planned months in advance, turned sour. It was cut short when my father-in-law passed away. We (my hubby, boys, Liza and her daughter) stood together at Urquhart castle which sits beside Loch Ness in the Scottish highlands trying to make sense of it all. Time and space folded into each other. Reality shifted and the reason for my pilgrimage slipped away. We (my hubby, boys, and I) gathered our wits about us, drove to the nearest airport, and flew back. We dove into making sense of the moment, why now? Why like this? What now?

And within this sense making- all the moments shared with Robert Joseph Sutton collided and fused together like only the mind can do. Moments replaced moments, plans for his memorial and the start of school for the kiddos crowded in. Life mandated money, which meant work could no longer be avoided. Like a treadmill, life dictated the speed and the runner in me kept up. I ran, for running reduced the pain of feeling. I ran because keeping busy helped control my thoughts.

All the while in the back of my mind I knew that I had failed- I had failed to achieve closure in Scotland. And what loomed ahead, my one year “CT Scan” frightened the hell out of me. Deep down, doubt began to crowd in and whisper, “If you couldn’t control Scotland, what makes you think you’ll be able to control your tomorrows?” 

Then it happened… the moment crawled upon me, the one I’d been avoiding. I didn’t talk about it aloud. But I became a ball of nerves. I snapped a lot, and attempted to control everything around me. I receded into my shell for in reality I knew that I could control nothing. My doctor called and said, “I need you to go in for your 1-year CT scan-chest, pelvis, abdomen, with contrast… you’re going to need to check in an hour before to drink some barium…”

All moments stopped and fell away like drying petals. One by one they landed at my feet. I stood hollow in this moment, remembering past struggles, and envisioning future dreams. Is that not what we are all guilty of? Even when we are cognizant of the fact that to lead a healthy life one needs to remain in the present, during intense moments, we slip. We delve either into the past, pained by trauma that we continue to carry around, or envision the future where “life will be better when…” 

Then, suddenly, while stuck within this moment for weeks... my husband bumps into an ordinary human being whose life challenges has brought her path alongside mine. Somehow, being present in her moment, she connected and zoomed into my current state of turmoil. Without even knowing why I had become a tightly wound ball of twine, her words reached out past my husband and found residence in my e-mail's in-box. 

I woke one morning to read a most touching letter that helped me make sense of this last month- Scotland, Dad's death, my upcoming CT scan... Reading her words of inspiration helped me PAUSE. 

I got off the treadmill and sat with my fears, the memories, and the pain and when I surfaced I realized that my biggest downfall in life is overthinking everything, allowing my mind to travel into past and future scenes, and building up moments with heightened expectations. A hummingbird doesn’t think about tomorrow’s syrup or regret the untouched nectar of yesterdays. A hummingbird flutters when it needs to flutter and pauses when it needs to pause.

If human beings could do the same, if we could savor each flower for what it is, then maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about yesterdays or tomorrows. 

Scotland…. Robert Joseph Sutton’s death… my CT scan…

I created a prelude to each moment and thus made each moment as difficult to digest as the barium I had to drink.  

What if we paused and caught our wandering thoughts? 

What if we wrote them down to release them from controlling us?

What if we purposefully remained in each moment, for better or for worse?

Might we not live a healthier life in doing so? 

I've learned that awareness is necessary, but does not guarantee mastery of intended task. I've spiraled to this realization a couple of times during my post-traumatic exploration of "self." Fortunately, life will continue to provide experiences that will challenge us until mastery is achieved.

So, in a nut shell-I learned to appreciate every moment and connect and share love with those that cross my path (like Mary and Liza and the amazing angel who crossed virtual reality to wake me up). 

Dad’s death taught me that all any of us have is today. He spent so much time worrying about his yesterdays that he lived a tortured life. I will work to do better, to fill his grandkid’s lives with present day joys. 

My CT scan? I don’t have the results yet- but to tell you the truth, either way, I know I will be fine-for deep down, I (the I of my soul) have a multitude of angels watching over me!

Hopefully this realization will stick this time! And if not, I'm sure the next adventure will be worth experiencing.

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If this is your first time reading these blogs, and you are interested in hearing more, please feel free to e-mail me at: marineyanikiansutton@gmail.com
It's a monthly blog examining Life, Perseverance, and Grit. 

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Till next time, go live, thrive, have fun, and do great things!